I lost the love of my life. I also lost a man whom I thought I thought I would marry. Both two different things. I was with this man for 7 years. That’s a long time. He was my first REAL relationship. I say that because I was free.. unlike with my child’s father. I was allowed to wear and buy and do and talk to who I wanted to. But I also lost myself. That’s the love of my life. I was so afraid of losing HIM, that I sacrificed every little piece of my mental well being to keep him with me, which only drove him away. And it put me in a mental ward. Twice. In three months. I don’t really know who I am anymore because between two relationships, instead of learning to love myself, I was desperately trying to find my white picket fence, Jesus loving, strong willed, rock of a man to keep me safe… and now after losing him, I’m no closer to knowing who I am. I know what I like as far as hobbies, and tv shows and books, and my favorite food and all of that. But all of my purpose is, well..not gone, but buried under all the grief of a loss. My values are all skewed, my faith is jumbled, and I have done some mean, nasty things to him that I feel so much guilt over. Everyone tells me I shouldn’t feel guilty because he did bad things too. I feel like, that by feeling this guilt, that I, and God, know that I am truly sorry, and that I have learned a lesson. One I don’t want commited against me, and one I won’t commit against anyone ever again. I want to learn to love myself for the first time. Truly embrace all of me. Stop worrying about wedding rings and “families”, and just focus with positivity, on what i do have. And I think by even saying that outloud, is my first step in finding “ME” again. Do I miss him? Every day. Some more than others. Today is one, but I do not wish harm or bad becoming on him. In fact, when I do pray, I pray we both find peace. Just peace. So we both may sleep soundly, and wake up every morning refreshed. But this is MY time now. And I am ready to get lost in ME.
You know. We are raised from birth to find a career. Told what is right and what isn’t. What is profitable, what is wrong. Why can’t we enjoy what we do? I love being a waitress. Over every other job and whatnot that I have had in mind. I’m excellent at it. Friendly, multitasking, focused…you name it.
You guys. I have found my calling. I think.
It’s funny. I am strong af at work. Home. And I get one sip of booze in me and I am an oozing mess. I just want to feel like I matter. Like my talents are good. Appreciated. Like I am wanted. Instead I am ostracized. Rejected. Dejected.
I am going to stay at a friends Tuesday and Wednesday. If I don’t, I fear for things to come. I’m not ok. I hate that feeling and I am not sure how to over come it.
About a month ago, I started the keto diet journey after I was weighed in at 178lb. That’s how much I weighed right before Claire was delivered. Terrible eating habits, stress, and very little activity beyond work lead to this. I have lost a total of 16lb so far (that’s after a two week rebound and gaining back about 2lbs of what I lost), which is amazing because I can see and feel the results. But it isn’t enough for me. I am so self conscious about my body. I am typically fine with my curves but I just feel like I look like a middle aged mom…
Starting tonight, I jumped back on my diet. From now on, I’m eating clean. Meaning no junk. No chips, no candy, no soda. I have to feel better. And I need to teach these practices to Claire, so she can be healthy as well.
Healthy mind starts with a healthy body. And I will have both.
As I clocked into work today, watching some coworkers just absolutely hating their lives…I thought to myself, we are lucky. We work in a restaurant that profits, the waitresses make excellent money, the food is easy to cook, and for the most part…we all get along. Yeah, there is drama, but that is everywhere. I am going to try to appreciate my time here, because I make very good money.
Before I had even started to get ready for work, I was reading a thread in a server group on what they had been able to accomplish from solely being “just a server”. Including buying houses, cars, all inclusive vacations, you name it. And I’m thinking to myself while looking at my tip tracker app… I am freaking terrible with money!! I could have had a new car by now. I could have had a down payment on a new house by now. Instead, I have medical debt up to my ears. I own a shitty car (which I am so grateful for, dont get me wrong). I have student loan debt to last a lifetime and no degree to show for it.
Reading those success stories and walking into work and realizing that we are just plain lucky, made me realize I need to start to budget, and take care of myself so I can secure my future, instead of just living day by day, hoping something good happens.
That’s all for now. Time to kick this shift’s ass!
Hello, everyone! I decided to start a blog for myself as a form of self therapy. I had been journaling but Claire started using blank pages as a doodle book and I figured doing this online will save me money in replacing journals I will lose or whatnot. Anyway…
So, for those who know me, bear with me. My name is Amber. I am 32 turning 33 this beautiful year of 2020. Claire is my beautiful daughter, and I am on a journey of finding myself through dieting and journaling and trying to find something I excel at.
I work full time as a waitress and part time as a barista and I am so over customer service. I love both jobs as I love the actual work and my coworkers, but the general public is draining me and depressing me. I know I was not put on this planet to be treated like shit as a customer servant. Yes, I did mean servant, because that’s how the public treats me. Ugh.
This blog is going to, I hope, help me discover who I am and help hold my thoughts and actions accountable, and overall just be a better version of myself. I hope you all join me on this journey and enjoy the content!
Welcome to my hot mess!
“When I discover who I am, I’ll be free…”